The Bachelor Rome Premiere ABC October 2, 2006

I watched The Bachelor Season 9 premiere, set in Rome on ABC last night.

Prince Lorenzo Borghese (P.Lo) was, how do I say, an umm...aloof guy. Uncomfortable. Akward. Dare I say, nerdy?? Last night played like a high school nerd’s ultimate fantasy. A bunch of not-necessarily-hot-but-easy and desperate girls throwing themselves at said nerd at first glance.

Bah. I want to see a "Prince" who is of bold character. Confident. A knight on a horse, in shinning armor. I don’t want a Prince who says “really cool” in an American accent. A prince who feathers his bangs. Who wears Dockers. Ugghh P.Lo, you're ruining my fantasy... More bad news: the Prince also says he is unable to converse in Italian, he can only speak “menu Italian.” So basically, he can woo you with the words "lasagna" or "spaghetti and meatballs" as good as any man can. For shame. He's an Italian royal who cannot speak his native tongue and does not have the desire to learn. I think he may actually be even more "American" than most Americans. Very rude. Maybe the Italians should remove his title until he learns to speak the language of his people. If he had the ability to drop romantic Italian phrases on the girls every-so-often his nerd factor would decrease expoentially. P.Lo, get thee to a private tutor, stat. I'm sure you can afford it.

There are more pros and cons to this season’s feathered Bachelor compared to previous seasons:

He doesn’t have the slick androgeny of Bachelor #1–Alex Michel
He doesn't seem the quiet, self-indulgent fratboy that Bachelor#2 was–Aaron Buerge
He doesn't have the lack-of-self-respect and smuttiness of Bachelor#4–Bob Guiney
He's missing the romantic super-smile and outdoorsiness of Bachelor#6–Byron Velvick
And the teddy bear jokster low IQ of Bachelor#7–Charlie O’Connell
He doesn't have the left-brain thinking and ruggedness of Bachelor#8–Travis Stork

P.Lo is different than all the others. I wonder: is this a good thing or a bad thing?

“Welcome to another INCREDIBLE season of the Bachelor!” Yes, host Chris Harrison, actually opened with that line. Look buddy, “The Bachelor” is batting 0 for 8 in weddings and 1 for 8 in coupledoms (if you believe the recent E! story that Charlie and Sarah broke up, leaving Byron and Mary as the sole "Bachelor" couple).

Chris goes on to say that “The Bachelor has always been about love and romance.” Sorry. Wrong again. It’s really about the tears and breakdowns, the catfights, the bad poetry and stupid speeches, the forced moments of intimacy, the exploitation of “feelings,” fake boobs versus real boobs, getting the young girls plastered with alcohol and into embarrassing situations, and the crazies who believe that true love = trading in their self-respect to continue being showcased on tv, week after week.

Onto the girls, the money-grubbing girls that will pledge to spend the rest of their life with a man they don’t know, because such a pledge would extend their tv life and because he’s a prince… He also could be a murderer, a sadist, a bore, have penile dysfunction or be gay. But all that these airheads can think about is the idea that they could become a princess. Whatever comes with it, they'll take.

The girls are just “blah.” None of them stand out. They're each about as unique as a paperclip. Last season there were girls who had their unique looks and different personalities. So far this season, I can’t tell the difference between the blondes, or the difference between the brunettes other than random funky noses or pairs of eyes too close together. It’s a good thing this prince owns his own pet grooming company. He’s gonna need all the help he can get with these woofs. If the personalities weren’t also cardboard blah, I’d be more forgiving. It's already possible that I may not bother to blog about this season for long.

Ohh miie gawwwd!!!! {Shriek!!} Ohh miie gawwwd!!!! If I have to hear that one more time I am going to rip my hair out.

Enter Italian girls. Wow these girls are stunning. And I thought the American girls were woofs before… Too bad all the Prince can say to the new girls is “lasagna” and “alfredo.” And too bad he expects them to speak excellent English, like “totally cool,” and “Ohh miie gawwwd!!!!”

Hotest Conversation of the night:
Girl: That’s a good-looking tree.
Prince: We’ll hug it together.
Girl: No, you’re gonna hug it.
Prince: Get on the tree with me. Now show me how to hug one.
Girl: (hugs tree)
Prince: (hugs tree) That was great. Here, for you. It's the very first rose and a pair of 2-carat diamond earrings for getting me all hot, dirty, and giving me an excuse to have full-body contact with a tree. I needed that, really, it let off some built up tension.
Girl: Gee, thanks! (Throws rose on the ground to free up both of her hands to put on earrings. Thinks-to-self, 'find ways to continue to implement trees in fourplay with Prince.')

Now who is this season’s bad girl? It appears the girls are still on their best behavior, but I guarantee it will not last. Last season I was rooting for Moana Dixon, only to see her sent home in a heart-wrenching scene on the finale. She was too much of an opera for a one-note guy like Travis. But she's doing fine, and even tried to get on this season's Dancing with the Stars.